


Apaixonar

by steponii



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, College AU, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, things will get more Intense a bit later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-07-25 17:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16202558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steponii/pseuds/steponii
Summary: Lapis didn't want to be close to anyone anymore. The risk was no longer worth it.It just wasn't fair how effortlessly her roommate was slipping under her armor and becoming the exception.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have not started college yet, so please forgive me if there are any inaccuracies with the university setting

The blue-haired girl stood at the edge of the campus on an overcast Tuesday with a pit in her stomach.

With an overstuffed rucksack and egregiously heavy duffle bag in tote, she willed herself to advance toward student housing. The path was crowded with students accompanied by their families, swaths of strangers eager to be settled in and sent off; she pointedly walked alone. A breeze ripped through her and Lapis shrugged her shoulders up to her ears. It was too cold here to be late August. It was also really, really dry. She made note of remembering to stock up on moisturizer before her skin became brittle. That’s what moisturizer is for, right? She’d never thought of using it before now. Never had to.

The sophomore dorms looked to be less crowded with activity, and for that she was grateful. Lapis set off to locate the dorm that bore the number inscribed onto her key, ignoring the student mentors who lined the halls.

Lapis wasn’t thrilled about the prospect of living with a roommate here. She wanted to spend her duration at the university in comfortable isolation, without the obligations of maintaining menial acquaintanceships. Time away from everyone and everything would be ideal, regardless if it made her look like a hermit. As fate would have it, however, she’d been assigned to room with some stranger without even knowing their name. She stood with an awkward mixture of dread and annoyance in her core before jamming her key into the lock and shouldering it open.

Shuffling her way in, Lapis didn’t have much time to look around before her attention caught on the girl in the corner, occupied with unpacking.  
The girl whipped around at the sound of the door. Deep green eyes widened when they met Lapis’. 

“Oh!” She stood and approached her, pale arm extended. “Hi, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Peridot.” The other girl smiled, broad but shy.

Lapis was taken aback and was unsure what to do for a moment. 

“I’m Lapis. Lapis Lazuli.” She replied and returned the handshake. Peridot’s hands were pretty tiny, and she felt rough calluses on the girl’s fingers and upper palm. Just like her own. 

Peridot’s smile widened as she seemed to grow more comfortable. “It’s nice to meet you, Lapis. I arrived just a short while ago and went ahead with unpacking.”

Hearing her name spoken by the shorter girl lit an odd spark in Lapis’ brain. Probably because she hadn’t heard her name spoken aloud in a while.

“That’s cool.” Lapis nodded and acknowledged the side of the room already cluttered with stuff. “I’ll go ahead and do the same.”

“Awesome. Uh- Let me know if you need a hand with anything.” Peridot’s smile never wavered; it was the kind of smile that pushed up her cheeks and made her eyes crinkle the slightest bit. 

Lapis was again briefly shaken by Peridot’s forwardness. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.” She responded a little flatly, turning back to her bags. She couldn’t afford to not be wary with this stranger, this situation, her intentions. Sharing a small space with someone again, regardless of their temperament, was a foreboding challenge that Lapis had grief coming to terms with. Her cautions had a history of failing her and she’d be damned if she were to let something bad happen again.

“I mean- Sorry. I know you’re fully capable of unpacking your own stuff, of course,” Peridot half- laughed behind the blue-haired girl. “I mean- I just- If you need anything, let me know.” She sputtered in her attempts to clarify herself and quickly turned back to her own devices. 

Lapis could tell this girl was something else, a unique sincerity and eccentricity making itself apparent already. She decided that wasn’t such a bad thing, but didn’t glance back at her. “I gotcha.” She replied to the wall. 

The two unpacked together independently a while before Peridot broke the silence they’d settled into. “Hey, would you like to turn on some music?” She asked, turning to face the other girl.

Lapis assumed her new roomate had picked up on her reluctance to engage in much conversation, which she appreciated.  
“Sure, put on whatever you’d like”. Lapis tossed her wadded bed sheets onto the mattress. 

“What do you like? My taste is sort of weird.” 

Lapis found herself curious. “And what’s that?”

“Classical,” Peridot answered and flashed another shy grin. “I figured it wouldn’t be the best pick to set a move-in day ambiance.”

Lapis smirked. “I guess not,” she mused. Classical would not have been her first choice if she had to peg Peridot for a certain taste in music. Again, she didn’t suppose that was a bad thing. Not at all.  
“How about Radiohead?” She suggested after her pause.

“Sounds great.” Peridot started to set up a little bluetooth speaker. 

“The Bends,” Lapis added in earnest. “Their newer stuff isn’t as good.”  
The blonde girl seemed more than happy to oblige. After a moment, Planet Telex occupied the room, and the two settled into another fairly comfortable silence. This certainly wasn’t a worst-case scenario. It was almost easy, Lapis reflected, organizing her clothes and listening to good music without any burdening impositions or expectations or excitement.

Every so often Peridot would interrupt the quiet with an idle question or two. Lapis found she didn’t mind much.

“So you’re an international student too, right? Where are you from?”

“Brazil. You?”

“I hail from East Ukraine. How long have you been in the states?”

“Just under a year. Uhm, what about you?”

“Two. It’s pretty bizarre here.” 

“Bizarre is an understatement.”

Peridot half-laughed again at that. The same little spark jolted through the back of Lapis’ neck and in her chest.

By the time Lapis had fulfilled some basic organization to her haphazard satisfaction, Planet Telex filled the room again. The album had begun to repeat, she noted. Time had gone by quickly during their rhythm. Peridot was still working with diligence in customizing her living space, working on taping some little green poster to the wall. 

“Did you buy the whole album just now?” Lapis questioned, a little playful.

Peridot didn’t do well in hiding her bashfulness. “I bear no regrets. It’s good music.”

Lapis stood still a moment. This girl was really sticking her neck out for her. Once again, she was unsure what to do with herself, standing there dumbly.

The brief respite from her focus allowed Peridot to glance at her watch. She made an exasperated noise and flicked off the bluetooth.  
“Agh, I’m sorry, I have to run. There’s a robotics orientation I need to be at.”

Lapis watched as she slung a laptop bag over her shoulder and headed for the door. Peridot turned and green eyes met blue once again. 

“I’ll be back later. It was real nice meeting you, Lapis.” 

Lapis returned her wave, wishing her roomate good luck at the meeting thing as she shut the door. 

The silence that followed was not at all like the kind she sought after.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this chapter is significantly longer than the previous one.
> 
> * there is a depiction of a past abusive relationship between Lapis and Jasper in this chapter that will be separated by a line of asterisks - feel free to skip over that if you feel you might be uncomfortable *

The first day of classes was strange and largely uneventful.

Some classes seemed to immediately present problems for Lapis. A smaller group class provoked a primal fight or flight anxiety in her chest that closed up her throat and made her count the seconds. Fortunately, walking into a sizeable lecture hall for a later course granted her the relief of non-scrutiny.

She’d made brief eye contact with a short curly-haired boy once they were dismissed. He flashed her a bright smile, which she reciprocated reluctantly. It looked as though he might’ve wanted to say something to her but Lapis kept her head down and scurried away. She was not in the mood to be cordial with some random guy.

Posters promoting campus safety and confidential helplines were plentiful but they didn’t do much to stave a nagging uneasiness that had weaseled its way into her default state of mind.

Lapis had avoided checking out the club fair, but a flyer for the swim club caught her attention. Being close to the coast was essentially the staple reason she chose to attend this university, aside from their international student aid program. Swimming was her favorite, and she was really good at it - she had every intention to visit the shore soon, when she replenished her mental energy - but the girl had trouble fathoming how she would be able to swim with a whole group of strangers so soon.

She snatched the flyer regardless.

The campus teemed with the energy of new beginnings, but it only caused dread to pool in her stomach. America has been overwhelming from the very beginning. Lapis found herself longing for something that no longer existed.

She huffed and started for the dorms. Self loathing was a shitty way to spend her time.

Lapis wasn’t quite sure how to feel about her rooming situation. Her interactions with Peridot so far had been amicable. Charming? She couldn’t decide how to feel. The angst from enduring the day had prevented much reflection on the matter.

The blue-haired girl scuffed her sneakers against the sidewalk and tightly crossed her arms. Regardless of the pleasant front her roommate might display, the gross reality of sharing her sole place of refuge with another person again was largely unpleasant.

Unpleasant was an understatement.

Peridot’s little laugh played back crystal clear in her mind. Lapis remembered how it was a little nasally, but now also seemed fairly genuine. Wholesome.

Whatever.

She stepped inside the dorm and found it empty. Lapis released the breath she’d been holding and spent a moment basking in the warm feelings of security and peace. Falling into a good book was an enticing idea. She grabbed a granola bar and settled in on top of her bed.

Before Lapis could crack open the cover the door opened and Peridot stumbled in. She wore a pensive expression that melted into a polite smile when she realized Lapis’ presence.

“Oh, Lapis! Hey!” Peridot regarded her and carefully placed her things down on her bed.

“Hey.” Lapis watched her cooly.

Peridot set about unpacking her schoolwork. She’d been lugging around a massive backpack with a laptop bag slung over her shoulder to boot. “So how was today for you?” She asked.

Lapis took a moment to think. There’d be no point in disclosing how discomforting her day truly was. “It was alright,” she shrugged, though the other girl was turned around and couldn’t see. “You?”

“Mine was alright too. But I think I’ve filled my schedule with way too much shit,” Peridot replied as her laptop booted. “I can already foresee myself getting burnt out from math and theory overload if I’m not careful.” Some weariness that hadn’t been there before was laced into her tone.

Lapis found that she felt okay with Peridot making conversation. The shorter girl had yet to ping her acuity for identifying potential threats. Something impulsive, mischievous inside her dared to test the waters.

“That rough. Though I didn’t really take you for such a nerd.” She lied with an impish smile. She really had figured her roommate’s nerdiness from the moment her she’d opened her mouth.

Peridot just laughed. “I guess you could say so.” She turned to Lapis, sporting a lopsided grin, and nodded at the stack of books on the swimmer’s bed stand. “I hadn’t taken you for such an avid reader.”

Lapis wasn’t entirely sure if she ought to take offense to that, but nothing about Peridot hinted at any malice.

“Just the classics, really.” She started to feel hesitant but the blonde just waited for more with a casual little smile. So she kept going. “Like Dante, Lovecraft, Cortázar. You know, cool, non-nerdy stuff.”

Peridot’s face turned up in a wry grin that made something jump in the swimmer’s chest. “Lapis, you’ve just never experienced the sheer and indisputable awesomeness of robots.”

“I suppose you’re right about that.” Lapis rested her cheek against her hand, book now forgotten.

Peridot sat back in the desk chair. “Well, you are rooming with a robot aficionado. Maybe with time you’ll become privy to my awesome knowledge.”

This time Lapis was the one to giggle. “I’ll count on it.” Was this banter? Were they really volleying witticisms and quips like chums?

It was kind of fun.

Her roommate softened a little and cleared her throat. “Well, uh- hey, I’m glad you had an alright day.” Lapis wanted to make a comment on how Peridot had just unintentionally rhymed but the girl continued. “I’m just going to be working on some stuff. Don’t mind me.”

“Sure. It sounds like you’ve already got quite the load”, Lapis remarked. She felt sympathetic towards Peridot being robbed of her downtime so soon but wasn’t sure how to express that.

The two looked at each other for a moment. Lapis noticed a faint line of freckles that dusted the bridge of her roommate’s pale nose and traveled along her cheeks. She would probably be able to count them all if she wanted to.

Lapis quickly turned away.

Peridot toyed with her hands for a moment and glanced back at her laptop before turning back with raised eyebrows. “Oh, would you want to play some music again?” She asked.

“Sure. You can put on what you want this time,” Lapis answered idly. “There’s no particular ambiance we’re obligated to set today, right?”

“Yes.” The other girl gave Lapis a look and she couldn’t discern what it meant or how it made her feel. She gave Peridot a hang loose in return and returned to her novel.

The swimmer was figuring out how to focus after their exchange when Everything In Its Right Place began to play from Peridot’s little speaker. Lapis’ ears were immediately perked and she looked incredulously at her roommate, who was grinning down at her papers as she wrote. She’d bought another Radiohead album. Not one of their recent ones, too. She’d remembered, and it was just for Lapis.

What the fuck.

“What happened to classical?” Lapis asked.

Peridot continued writing but tilted her head to respond with a playful glint. “That would be a little too easy to focus with.”

Lapis blinked. Words seemed really difficult all of a sudden. Almost everything Peridot had done so far was unprecedented, unpredictable. Lapis wasn’t fond of surprises but Peridot’s weren’t so bad. It was exciting.

Peridot was exciting.

Her tongue felt about three sizes too big.

“Hey,” Lapis choked out after a pregnant pause. Peridot turned over her shoulder. “Thanks. For the Radiohead. That’s pretty sweet of you.”

The other girl looked a little shaken by the gratitude but waved her hand with another bashful smile. “Thank you for revitalizing my appreciation for nineties alt rock.”

Lapis returned her smile, and their eyes locked again. Green, green eyes. They broke the gaze simultaneously, hastily, and returned to their devices. The music played softly and blended with the low tick-tack of Peridot’s typing.

Something warm sat in Lapis’ abdomen and radiated gently head to toe. It was nice. Nicer than the warmth she felt walking into the empty room.

 

 

 

A week later Lapis was affronted with another of Peridot’s surprises.

Of the two, the blonde would come back to the dorms in the evening a while after Lapis. What she was out doing, Lapis didn’t know - she assumed just nerdy academic things - and she didn’t care to ask. Peridot would sit on her bed with her laptop and type away after satisfying her other schoolwork, and Lapis would drift away to the lull of the gentle sound paired with whatever music they would play.

This little routine of theirs was kind of nice. Lapis loved to sleep - to shut off for a bit and … well, whatever else would happen - but it often did not come easy to her. The blue-haired girl had anticipated that her anxieties would lead to sleepless nights here, especially while having to be in the vicinity of a stranger.

But the thoughts that had history of keeping her awake through the witching hour had gnawed through her bones and Lapis relinquished. Peridot didn’t come off as threatening, not in any overt way. Allowing her mind to drift into a vulnerable state of unconsciousness near her was surprisingly easy.

Trust wasn’t the right word. Not quite yet, at least. But feeling comfortable enough to succumb to exhaustion around the other girl, what with her neurotic sleep habits, was something worth respecting. Though, that was essentially the bare minimum Peridot could provide given she was her roommate (and considering that the root concept of a roommate was to sleep in the same quarters as them, Lapis mused).

Lapis found it sad to overthink so much. She’d only taken up a critical self-reflection habit once she left Brazil. Thinking about much at all just served to overwhelm and worry but the swimmer found her thoughts wandering more frequently with all the idle time between classes.

Today, however, was a later class - the latest in the week - and by the time she fled the hall, dusk had overtaken the normally still-crimson sky. The campus felt strange lit only by the streetlamps and comparatively barren of other people, so Lapis started for the dorms with haste. She rubbed her thumb harshly, back and forth like a saw, over the smooth little knife in her pocket. The paint that originally adorned it had been chafed away over time but feeling her thumb dip into the grooves of the etching on its side was always grounding.

By this point in the week, approaching the door to her room no longer filled her with that awkwardness from before, but rather something else. Perhaps it was just indifference. It certainly was nice to be able to escape the world without having to worry about confrontation or angst awaiting in her safe space.

Shouldering open the door with force, Lapis was surprised by the classical music that was already filling the room. More pertinently was a jarring hunk of upright metal - a prosthetic leg - resting next to Peridot’s bedside.

The blonde was startled; she released a shrill little sound and jumped, which caused her laptop to slip off her lap against the bed. The covers went up to her hips but nonetheless Lapis’ eyes were involuntarily drawn to where her legs were.

She remained in the doorway, standing there dumbly as she often did, wanting to move, to say something. Peridot simply stared back at her.

Lapis swallowed down a collection of doubts in the back of her throat. “Hey.” She nodded at her roommate and finally shut the door.

“Hey.” Peridot returned, watching her.

Lapis felt heat creep up her neck. How could she seriously have gone without noticing this until just now? Her head was a swarming jumble of thoughts and intentions that she struggled to untangle on the spot. At the forefront of her mind, she wanted to let Peridot know she was totally cool with her. With this. That she really wouldn't give the leg a second thought (unless Peridot brought it up herself of course) because it was no biggie and she understood. But it might take a miracle to articulate that.

“I - So ... I’m sorry for-”

“Hey yeah sorry that’s my leg.” Peridot finally gathered herself as well and scooched up on the bed. She laughed with an inflection Lapis didn’t recognize. “I’m sorry if I alarmed you. I sort of forgot about it somehow.”

“No, it’s cool. Totally cool. Don’t apologize. There’s nothing to apologize for.” She fervently assured her roommate and walked inside with a pointed emphasis on looking casual.

Peridot brought her hands up from under the covers and rested them on top of her lap. Lapis noticed how her knuckles quickly filled in with red as though they’d just been tightly clenched outside her view. “I didn’t really have a right time to let you know,” she said. “I certainly didn’t want to, erm, scare you.”

“It’s not scary,” Lapis jumped to speak a little too quickly. “It really isn’t at all. Honestly, anyone who’d actually think so must be really fucking immature.”

Peridot pushed out of the covers and swung herself over the side of the bed. She was wearing plain athletic shorts and a big t-shirt for pajamas. Lapis kept her eyes on Peridot’s green green eyes, unsure if looking down to her exposed legs would be appropriate. The blonde took on an expression of nonchalance and seemed to wait for her.

Feeling the heat creep from her neck to her ears the swimmer’s eyes moved to Peridot’s leg. A mass of scar tissue was present a few inches above where her ankle was supposed to be. The absence of a foot was stark, but it was apparent how clean and well cared for the old wound was.

Lapis averted her eyes back up to Peridot’s. The shorter girl was eyeing her expectantly. Lapis wondered if she was just pulling a brave face.

“Yeah. The prosthetic is custom and fits well and all, but it can get painful by the end of the day so I might be hobbling around here on my crutches sometimes.” Peridot, voice never wavering, gestured to the crutches propped against the wall. The prosthetic itself definitely looked custom, if Lapis had to guess - it was furbished with sleek dark metal, tinted a subtle metallic green, and had a slender flat foot to fit her shoe.

Lapis cleared her throat and cursed herself for her persistent awkwardness. “Sure, yeah. That’s no problem at all.” She briefly glanced around the room. “Uhm, do you have enough room to use those things comfortably?”

Peridot crossed her legs back onto the bed. “It’s fine. You don’t need to move any of your stuff if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Sure. It’s just not exactly the roomiest in here.” Lapis frowned at the dorm’s cramped quarters.

Peridot kept their gaze as the blue-haired girl lazily sat down on her bed. She hummed in agreement. “I did not expect much in terms of space from a university dorm, but it’s tolerable.”

Lapis nodded and chewed on the inside of her bottom lip. An unsaid question and an unspoken answer hung heavy in the air but Lapis knew well enough the reluctance to explain oneself in such a situation. She didn’t need to know that much about this girl anyway, right?

“I lost it when I still lived in Ukraine,” Peridot took it upon herself to answer and looked down at her prosthetic. “It happened two years ago, actually, when I was seventeen. There was an, uh-” She flicked her eyes up to meet Lapis’ for a fleeting moment then moved them to the end of her bed. Her hand crossed her body and toyed with the hem of her collar. “There was an accident.”

Guilt stuck Lapis in her chest. She really, really didn’t want the other girl to feel uncomfortable. Especially about this. She didn’t dare press for a more legitimate answer. It wasn’t something she needed to hear.

“I gotcha,” Lapis nodded at her with unintentional earnest. “So, I know you’re perfectly capable of doing your thing of course, obviously, but if you ever need a hand with anything just in case,” Lapis racked her brain to cherry-pick the best words and crossed an arm of her own to loosely grip her bicep, “just let me know anytime.”

Peridot just grinned silently for a few beats. Lapis was confused before realizing she’d essentially parroted the same proposal the blonde had given her on their first day. The two girls chuckled together.

Peridot’s shoulders gently shook up and down as her giggles died down, “I appreciate that.”

“You know, I seriously had no clue you had a missing leg until now,” Lapis commented. “It’s very discreet if that’s what you’re going for.”

“Not necessarily. You just keep passing out before I take it off every night.”

Lapis snorted. Peridot’s smile broadened sharply and she laughed harder than Lapis had heard before, eyes screwed shut and almost doubled over in her lap. The swimmer couldn’t help but join in. She finally understood what it meant for someone’s laughter to sound like bells.

When they settled down at last, Lapis turned to lean back onto her pillow and folded her hands behind her head with ease. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so hard. That warm feeling spread comfortably down to her toes and up to her fingertips.

Lapis’ ears tuned back to the music still softly playing and thought she could recognize the leading instrument as a clarinet. Maybe. She wanted to ask.

“Hey Lapis,” Peridot interrupted her thought and Lapis turned to look at the girl still sitting cross-legged on the bed (with remarkably good posture for being on a mattress, Lapis noted).

“What’s up?”

“I appreciate you being cool about this. I figured you would be, but it’s still a relief.” The blonde’s lips were turned up in another warm smile.

Lapis wasn’t sure if the other girl was being bashful or not. She wished she could tell. The swimmer turned her head back on the pillow and shut her eyes languidly. “Sure, it’s all good. No big deal. You’re cool.”

“Cool.” Sheets rustled and the click-clack of typing started up, blending into the music as it had the previous nights.

Lapis was in her day clothes and lying on top of her sheets but the temptation to simply succumb to her fatigue there was rather strong. She was compelled to wish her roommate good night as she felt the blinders of unconsciousness envelop her, but decided against it. Can’t be too forward now.

 

**********************************************************************************************************************

 

_It took three minutes to open and shut the door without making any noise. Lumbering footsteps approaching told that her efforts were for naught._

_Ice cold. A crippling gangly blue that froze her blood to sharp fractals._

_“Where were you?” Thick Portuguese dripping with mirth and filth._

_She shouldered past the taller woman and didn’t dare look her in the face. “Out.”_

_“Don’t pull this shit tonight. Come here.”_

_“I was with a friend. Fuck off.”_

_“You didn’t give me any heads up. I was worried.”_

_She took a water bottle from the fridge. She’d always preferred to drink from the tap but the apartment’s water softener was busted._

_Pounding heartbeat was all she heard for some petrifying seconds. It reverberated through her head and out her ears and in her teeth. Deep scarlet bordered by a viscous black._

_More lumbering steps. “Don’t ignore me, Lapis.” A rough hand gripped her chin from behind and harshly pulled it to the right to face the other woman. “This sneaky shit isn’t gonna fly anymore. If it were me, you’d feel the same.”_

_She didn’t want to take it tonight. She shoved the hand away and resisted the urge to spit in the woman’s face. “Don’t fucking touch me, Jasper, I swear to god.”_

_The taller woman gripped her shoulder, digging her fingers into flesh to make sure it hurt, and spun her around. Faces too close. Faces not close enough. “I can touch you when I want to.” She growled._

_A bolt of electric yellow shot down her spine and made her shiver in the worst way._

_Lapis kicked the woman hard in her shin. She spat out a curse and bent over but didn’t relinquish her grip. Instead she pushed Lapis into the fridge and she heard through her skull the rattling of empty shelves inside. Lapis opened her mouth but received a swift slap to the cheek that lurched her body to the side and forced traitorous tears to prickle in her eyes._

_“You’re a fucking moron,” she could feel hot breath against her face, “they’ll find you if you keep prancing around outside and you know that. What are you trying to do to yourself?”_

_Red, red, red. Thudding, pulsing, aching._

_She pushed with mighty force against the taller woman’s chest, squirmed to get around her, but her wrists were grabbed and slammed, pinned, against the fridge. She couldn’t hold back a cry of pain._

_“Stop it and answer me. What the hell is wrong with you?”_

_That damned heat in her core completely betrayed every ounce of contempt coursing through her. “I’m allowed to be fucking autonomous.”_

_“You’re an idiot. And I thought we were going to spend the evening together. You pretty much ditched me.” Big rough hands did not relent their grip._

_Her eyes squeezed shut and her head turned away. “We weren’t going to do anything. I hate you. I fucking hate you.”_

_A low chuckle. “Don’t say that. No you don’t.”_

_Her mind was screaming and she wanted to scream along with it. To break free, to shout and hit and run and hide and never come back, but she was weak. She knew nothing more than this._

_Her body was a raging storm and desperate to stop but her mouth lunged forward and captured the lips before her, biting down hard enough to draw blood. The taller woman smiled that vile, sinister sneer and reciprocated hungirly._

_Piping hot. Boiling. Ugly bright white and sickening, all consuming black. Disgust and shame and throbbing desire._

_A knee ground up between her thighs as she clung to the fridge._

_She shattered._

 

**********************************************************************************************************************

 

Lapis sat up in bed with a start. Her hands reached to grip at her chest and her eyes strained to register her surroundings. It was still dark through the windows and the clock on Peridot’s nightstand read 02:45.

Peridot. Kind, generous Peridot. Sleeping soundly, looking more peaceful than Lapis had seen before, chest rising and falling and laptop shut resting on the sheets.

Lungs raking in breath and blood rushing into her ears, the blue-haired girl fell back into bed as relief crashed over her.

This was a safe space. She was here, on the east coast of America, in a locked room. With someone who probably wouldn’t try to hurt her.

Not with Jasper.

She shut her eyes and imagined writing that tainted name on a piece of paper and then ripping it to shreds and tossing it into the ocean. It was a calming mechanism she’d picked up whenever she needed to forget.

Lapis sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She glanced back to Peridot. Her prosthetic limb sat in the same place as before.

Something inside of her felt a bit guilty for staring at the girl while she slept unassuming, but Lapis had never gotten the opportunity to look at her as much as she wanted to. Peridot looked so calm. It was nice to see her that way after knowing her as the frazzled, overloaded girl who hadn’t stopped working since day one.

Suddenly a powerful urge to know more began to grow from somewhere visceral inside her chest. Lapis wanted to know what happened on the day Peridot lost her leg. Not out of morbid curiosity, but to understand and connect, to be a confidant. She wanted to know all about her. And Lapis herself suddenly felt very compelled to finally let herself be vulnerable. To tell her about the scar on her back in hopes they might share common ground. Maybe even show it right to her.

Lapis wanted to laugh. This was ridiculous. What was she doing? She rolled over and tried to push those thoughts aside for a later day, but the blonde persisted in her mind.

She wanted to unravel her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Still there's a wound and I'm moving slow_   
>  _Though it don't show, though it don't show_   
>  _I've got a hole where nothing grows_   
>  _How little you know, little you know_

Lapis looked up from her notes as Peridot slipped into the dorm, toting her usual getup of backpacks and a small suitcase-looking plastic case. They greeted each other amiably as the other girl moved to her desk.

  
“How are things going?” Peridot asked, setting her bags heavily down to the floor. She rolled her shoulders and stretched her neck and Lapis watched her shoulder blades move underneath her shirt.

  
“Fine,” Lapis replied with a softer inflection than intended. She eyed the case and figured it was about time to actually know what her roommate spent so much of her time practicing. Though she’d never felt too keen on asking in order to keep her holistic knowledge of the life and affairs of Peridot to an easily-maintainable minimum. As curious as she was about the other girl, the luxuries of a close connection were not within a feasible grasp; they never had been, Lapis had reflected, and she knew safety came with self-preservation. Enduring the brunt of loneliness was familiar, and she was more prepared this time around to keep out any danger. But there was this odd, nagging little pang that kept echoing somewhere deep in her chest whenever she saw Peridot or talked to Peridot or thought about Peridot and it was like her mouth loved to cheat her rules. “So, how are those music classes going?” She asked.

  
Peridot seemed happy to respond. “Let me tell you. The ensemble is going great. It’s a group of pretty impressive musicians, and our pieces are very interesting.” She opens her case behind her and pulls out some papers. Lapis took a moment too long to react when the other girl got up and offered her the papers.

  
“Check this out, this is Mahler’s symphony number five, the first movement.”

  
Lapis took the papers and squinted down at lines jumbled with misaligned dots and dashes. She wanted to laugh at how easily and eagerly Peridot expected her, an instrumental layman, to understand. Instead she followed along the lines with a finger, lifting up her nose and scrutinizing the paper like a snooty connoisseur.

  
“Mm-hmm. Ah, yes. The toodle-doot and the doot-doot-doot here. Mm -very nice.”

  
Peridot snickered. “Right,” she brought her hand up to cup the side of her face like she was embarrassed. “I could just play it for you if you‘d like.”

  
“Oh - yeah, if you want.” Lapis hadn’t realized she actually wanted to hear her roommate play. It would have to be pretty good, knowing how much the other girl studies what she plays.

  
Peridot flashed a bright little smile. “I’ll need a moment to download the recording, just hang on.”

  
Oh. Lapis shoved away shrouded disappointment. Wordlessly, she looked back down to her assignment and fastened her mental blinders.

  
After a minute the first broad notes of a trumpet played from the speaker and lead into a tame fanfare. Abruptly, the orchestra exploded into the piece in a grand accompaniment, ringing with a percussive crash and ushering the stout pulls of string instruments. The intensity of it all was gripping and unexpected.

  
“Wow,” Lapis said with undertones of sincere awe, “it’s not bad.” She clutched her closed textbook as the piece gradually lead into a morose string feature.  
“So, where would you come in? All I can hear so far is that trumpet and a bunch of, uh, violins.”

  
“Well, there was also a horn motif in the opening bars, too,” Peridot turned around in her desk chair in mock holier-than-thou fashion. “But the oboes come in at around the four minute mark.”

  
“Uh huh.” Lapis gave her a sidelong glare. “What should I listen for.”

  
“The oboe,” Peridot answered. “It has a sort of shrill sounding higher tone.”

  
“The oboe is what you play?”

  
The blonde nodded. “Would you like to see?”

  
“Sure,” Lapis shrugged and donned her reliable mask of nonchalance. It shouldn’t be such a genuinely intriguing prospect but it was anyway.

  
Peridot turned back around and set about twisting together all the instrument’s little subsections. It seemed like a delicate process, but she was visibly well-versed.

  
“Tah-dah,” Peridot proudly presented a long skinny stick of a thing.

  
Lapis put the back of her hand against her mouth to hide a smirk. “It looks a little goofy.”

  
Peridot blinked. “What? Goofy?”

  
“You know, with that tiny little tip at the end,” Lapis openly grinned now. “And the end opening part is all bulbous. The contrast is funny.”

  
Peridot scoffed and turned the oboe over in her hands. Green eyes flicked up to Lapis’ with a playful challenge. “The musical craftsmen of the days of old did not toil for centuries in the development of this instrument just to have their work called ‘silly’.”

  
“I didn’t say silly. I said goofy.”

  
The blonde groaned and rubbed her forehead but the smirk playing on her lips told Lapis she wasn’t too bothered.  
“I take it, then, you haven’t been exposed to many instruments?” Peridot asked, soft-spoken and inquisitive.

  
Lapis suddenly felt a little embarrassed. She really hadn’t - there were scarce opportunities for her to study music back in Brazil. She had taken up the guitar for a brief stint as a teenager, but she only read tabs and copied the fingerings of her favorite performances.  
“What makes you say so?” Lapis crossed her arms.

  
“I- well- I just suppose someone who’s never seen an oboe before might not have a very extensive musical background.” Peridot spoke tentatively, as though afraid of trespassing into an unwelcome territory. Lapis didn’t want her to feel like that.

  
“You’ve got impressive deductive reasoning,” Lapis sniffed and returned her focus to the orchestra. At this point there was an aggressive cacophony of sounds thundering in some fancy epic moment, with the brass ripping and the strings in a frenzy; she didn’t even try to pick out which instrument was which.

  
“Here,” Lapis nearly jumped when Peridot thrust the instrument towards her, “you can check it out.”

  
Lapis stared at the oboe, then stared up at Peridot before taking it. She immediately noticed how fragile the buttons were, stretched in a long column of holes and metal, feeling too dangerously delicate in her hands. Otherwise it was simply a lightweight stick of hollowed wood with black lacquer. She observed the reed, funneled into cork and strung together like a duckbill with red twine.

  
“Pretty cool, right?” Peridot had sat back down, straddling the front of her chair to face Lapis.

  
“Eh, it’s alright,” Lapis glanced over the oboe and felt her face prickle with heat. She looked up at her roommate with playfulness in her spirit. “I guess I can see why you like it.”

  
Peridot’s eyes were bright and lively. “Not so goofy now, eh?” The side of her lips quirked in the way that pushed up her cheeks and revealed a smile in her eyes.

  
It kept getting harder to keep it all together, it seemed, the more they talked. The feeling was a little anxious and almost overwhelming and Lapis had to hold her breath.

  
“Hey, goofy doesn’t automatically mean uncool, Peridot.” Lapis gestured at the instrument. “Plenty of things can be goofy and cool at the same time.”

  
Peridot brought her hand to her chin and hummed contemplatively. “Well, if my understanding of English adjectives is accurate, then ‘cool’ and ‘goofy’ are supposed to be antonyms. So that can’t be right.”

  
Lapis leaned back against the headboard. “Your oboe is living proof. Er, tangible proof.”

  
“I still don’t think we’re in concurrence with the designation of my oboe as ‘goofy’.” Peridot quipped, looking delighted to be playing this game. “Shouldn’t there be an objective qualifier of goofiness?”

  
“Mm,” Lapis tapped her lip thoughtfully, letting her eyes roam across her roommate. “Big garrish silver buttons, a duckbill wooden mouthpiece, a t-shirt with a cute alien face on it.”

  
Peridot’s eyes widened. That seemed to throw her off her game. “My shirt is cool. It isn’t cute.” She spoke faster than usual.

  
Lapis smiled and drew her legs up, draping her arms over her knees. “Whatever you say, Peridot.”

  
The blonde chewed on her cheek and looked away from Lapis. “Alright well. That’s besides the point. If my oboe and I are both so goofy then at least we’re a fitting dynamic duo.”

  
“I’d say so.” Deep in Lapis’ chest something was welling up with a feeling similar to taking the first steps onto soft sand after walking through rough grass. Or it could just be the need to puke. Probably that.

  
Peridot thrust her finger into the air and pursed her lips. “Hang on - here. Here’s the oboe.”

  
Lapis perked up and let her eyes flutter shut to concentrate. Sure enough, there was a shrill, nasally woodwind piercing above the ensemble. It bore the unequivocal impression of an operatic duck, or the melodic squeaking of sneakers on linoleum. She was tempted to say so but that might dig into Peridot in unintended ways.

  
“It’s definitely an interesting sound,” was what she opted for with a tight smile.

  
“Interesting?” Peridot cocked her head to the side. Oh lord, this was becoming difficult.

  
“Yes! Not a bad thing. But,” Lapis mimicked the other’s cocked head to look at her face levelly, “I’m sure you sound much better than whoever this jerk oboe guy is.”

  
Peridot choked out a laugh and turned her face away, cheeks dusted red. Lapis suddenly really needed to lunge out the window and go for a brisk sprint around campus.

  
“That’s absurd. But, if you really would like, you could come to a performance and hear for yourself.”

  
Lapis raised her eyebrows. Being asked to go anywhere or invited someplace was a far-long and at this point unfamiliar concept.

  
“S-sure,” she stumbled, “if I’ve got time.” Of course she had time, and her roommate surely knew that.

  
Peridot gave her a shy smile. “Cool. I will let you know of the dates when I get our schedule.”

  
“Sounds good.” Lapis’ stomach was turning and she thought she might actually need to puke but managed to return the other girl’s smile with a pair of finger guns to boot.

  
Peridot turned back around and settled into her devices. “Would you like to put on something else now?” She asked over her shoulder.

  
“No, you can leave this. I’m digging it.”

  
Peridot turned to look at her fully. “Digging it up?"

  
Lapis huffed and shook her head. “Like, enjoying it. I’m into it. It’s an American idiom.”

  
Peridot looked rather perturbed. “Weird,” her furrowed brow melted into a mischievous grin, “so that means classical isn’t such a nerdy occupation after all, eh, Lapis?”

  
Lapis choked down the lump in her throat and waved her off. “Sure. Whatever. Dork.”

  
Her roommate’s nose scrunched up with a cheeky smile before turning back around. Lapis kept her eyes on the back of Peridot’s head for a few lingering moments. She let go of the tightness in her shoulders and took a deep breath. Why were things like this? She felt stunted, socially and psychologically, afflicted so tremendously by such simple exchanges. In fact she knew that she was.

  
Lapis buried her face in her hands. _Quit the fucking loathing already._

  
With another deep breath Lapis picked back up her assignment, balanced against the backs of her thighs as she wrote against a textbook.  
At the very least, now she had something else at this place to look forward to.

 

 

The swimming club hadn’t worked out.

  
Lapis really did have every intention to go. She’s even taken the bus into the city to buy a new suit, a nice dark-blue one piece, comfortably modest. The club’s first two meetings came and went, but that didn’t stop her from scrounging up emails to the club leaders with half-baked excuses and the promise of future attendance.

  
Of her thinly spread skillset, only one was so useful and bitterly tried as her ability to manage chronic procrastination.

  
Shuffling inside with her hands jammed into her pockets, gripping her knife like a vice, Lapis was unprepared for the rec building’s wall of humidity and chemical smell. The scent of chlorine felt caustic and uninviting; she grimaced and stood still as the door shut behind her. It had to have been a decade or more since Lapis had been to an indoor pool.

  
Not one to wear a watch when swimming, Lapis searched for a wall clock. She was perfectly on time and figured it would be extra embarrassing to show up late on top of missing the first two meetings. She approached the doors but moved to peek in through the windows when she heard voices reverberate inside. Ducking awkwardly, she strained to make out through the foggy glass a half dozen or so people talking by the side of the pool.

  
Lapis’ pulse traveled loudly to her ears and apprehension gripped her chest. What would they all do when she walked in? Why was this difficult? No one was even in the pool yet.

  
Someone shouted, a distinctive cry of “cannonball”, and a splash rang around the massive walls. Some people laughed and some others followed suit into the water. It was jubilant, it looked easygoing. It would be simple.

  
Lapis sucked a breath between her teeth and glanced out at the scene once more before squeezing her eyes shut and turning away. It wasn’t for her.

  
The blue-haired girl spun on her heels and was ready to wipe her stinging eyes but someone else walked into the corridor. Lapis willed herself to sober up and steadfastly walked past another girl headed to the pool. She was short and blonde, carrying a little swim bag, and offered Lapis a timid smile. Lapis returned it stiffly and slipped outside.

  
She could just catch up with that girl and walk in with her, then no one would bat an eye. She stopped to entertain the thought, but shook her head and geared forward.

  
Whatever. The ocean was just a short bus ride east. Chlorine was nasty anyway.

  
Lapis scuffed her sneakers and rubbed, rubbed, rubbed her knife. She hated how the weather kept getting colder. The chilled breeze stung the tip of her nose and made it easy to feel bitter about the world.

  
But, really, bitterness was what tasted the worst out of the daily regimen of emotion. So what if the prospect of rubbing shoulders with some rando college kids seemed sort of impossible? She’d told herself from the start that all she ought to do is keep her head down, get the credits in the American system, and snatch a ticket to flight school. Or maybe major in oceanography. Or art. Lapis wasn’t sure yet.

  
Maybe somewhere along the way things would become more bearable. Maybe less suffocatingly uncomfortable. She was in the land of opportunity, after all. The thought put a spring in her heels that helped her move a little quicker.

 

 

**************************************************************************

 

 

_Wet, and bleak, and suffocating._

  
_Every frantic step splashes the sodden floor and water sprays up her shins. Cold like the sting of liquid nitrogen, blistering like the burn of a radiator._

  
_The thumping of her heart echoes in her head as she runs, runs, runs from her. The looming force behind her, hot on her trail. Relentless, unmerciful, like how it always had been. Lumbering and loud and too much._

  
_Lapis shouts at the woman to leave, stop, get away, please, and she loses her footing. Gracelessly she tumbles to the ground. Hardly any time to think as she springs back to her feet with scrambling limbs to get away, away._

  
_Sickly sea green falling to an endless gradient of darkness and it was petrifying._

  
_Try as she might to pound her soles against the hard ground, her legs shake with weakness again and she slips backwards. Head slams the wet floor and stars occlude her vision til giving way to a massive figure creeping above her._

  
_God, God, I can’t._

  
_Lapis screams from her stomach and thick hands grind her shoulders harshly into the wet floor. Cold moisture saturating the fabric of her clothes makes her shiver._

  
_Stop. I can’t._

  
_Hot breath violates her cheek. Lapis can imagine the other woman’s signature predatory sneer that had always sent her careening._

  
_It hurts, oh it hurts and it always had. Calloused fingers dig at her waist and grip the back of her neck like she’s her property. Lapis claws and twists with aching bones but she knows how much Jasper liked to see her struggle and writhe._

  
_She rolls out from under the larger woman and prepares to tear off but a swift hand catches her ankle and sends her back down, face flush to the wet floor. Arm pinned behind her, forcing her elbow to flex in an awful way. She hears her low, mangled chuckling and can’t suppress tears._

  
_It’s blue, it’s green, it’s somewhere in between, and it’s horrifying._

  
_Lapis hears a particular quiet noise from behind her. A knife’s blade slipping out of its leather sheath. A difficult sound to discern, but Lapis’ subconscious can readily attribute its source. The little sound that burns the back of her mind when she can’t sleep._

  
_Her mouth is unable to produce a sound as the metal unceremoniously slips between her shoulder blades._

 

 

**************************************************************************

 

 

Reality abruptly flooded her senses as Lapis was startled awake by her own shrill gasp. Fear crashed against the backs of her eyes like the incoming tide and lit up her nerves with electric ferocity. She leaped upright in bed, clutching at her shirt, straining to breathe.

  
“Lapis? Lapis? Are you okay?”

  
As the blinders receded from her vision she saw Peridot, very close to her bedside with extended arms. She looked mortified.

  
Lapis threw off her covers and swung her body over the bed, the air cold against her clammy skin. Her ears rang like alarm bells and it felt as though every single suppressed anxiety had collectively cinched themselves around her heart. Peridot took a step back but kept her arms out, extended toward Lapis.

  
She was too close.

  
“Don’t fucking touch me.” The words tumbled from her mouth like a rampaging bull.

  
“L-Lapis, I’m-“

  
“Get the fuck away from me.” The malice felt like acidic bile dripping from her tongue but her head was reeling somewhere far away. Peridot backed away to the edge of the dorm and Lapis made a beeline for the door.

  
Halfway through the doorframe she faltered for a moment and looked back over her shoulder at her roommate. Peridot stood like a wilted tree, arms suspended limply in the air and a horrible expression twisted on her face. Lapis shut her eyes and fled the room, raced down the hall, stiff-armed the doors open.

  
The campus was dark and cold, having neglected to wear a jacket in her haste; it couldn’t have been later than four in the morning. The concrete was painfully chilly and hard against her bare feet - also a result of her abrupt retreat.

  
Lapis’ legs marched forward on their own volition and her head floated ten feet above her aimless body. Her mind swirled and scrambled, contending itself with emotion; fear, contempt, sadness, anger. Crimson red anger. Contempt towards that damned woman for continuing to plague Lapis’ mind and fucking things up from hundreds of miles away.

  
The space between her shoulder blades tingled as though from a phantom pain. Lapis bowed her head and walked faster, anywhere, somewhere away from here. To get away.

  
She found herself moving east.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry, just hang tight. Things will be okay.  
> Thanks very much for reading. I hope to have quicker updates moving forward.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So if you can't breathe, you might as well swim_   
>  _Saltwater fills your eyes, pouring off the brim_   
>  _And if you keep crying, it'll swallow us in_   
>  _The deep blue sea getting deeper as your tears fall in_

The red sun at last began to present itself over the lip of the ocean, casting shadows of yellows and liquid oranges along the backs of dwindling overcast clouds. It wasn’t a cotton-candy sort of sunrise - Lapis’ favorite kind, it set a sticky-sweet precedent for the day - but she welcomed the sight after sitting in the dark for such a while.

The blue-haired girl sat at the edge of a windswept bank, graciously built upon the roots of seedy grasses and sparse ferns. The wind that blew in from the waters whipped her hair in every which way and sprouted goosebumps up her bare arms and legs; she’d produced an impressive little hill in the sand from digging in her toes and fidgeting them back and forth.

Lapis groaned to herself, loudy and uninhibited. The sun lent the quaint little beach some definition it had lacked before its gradual ascent. She’d expected sleepiness to have challenged her here, but it had only briefly ebbed at the fringes of her thoughts as she sat with her mind in a frenzy.

Good grief.

Lapis concentrated on voiding her mind of ill thoughts. Finally on the shore, her familiar ocean swathed before her just as it always had been, but lapping up onto the cold sand in a unique, wholly American way, she decided.  
It still made her think of Brazil. Brazil only brought capture, corruption, Jasper. Her chest lurched, like fresh stitches being jabbed and ripped.

Lapis clenched her jaw and grimaced when hot emotion welled in her throat. She would not shed another tear over that past, she promised herself long ago. By God she’d hold true to it.

The blue-haired girl pressed her face into the backs of her knees and hugged her arms around them, adamant to forget. The ambient roar of the early waves was all she had to latch her concentration, but it could suffice. Lapis kept her head down and lost track of time.

After an indefinite while, she heard faint voices from somewhere yonder. So long to the picturesque solitude of her griping spot. With the approach of what she could only assume to be the early-morning college beach crowd, Lapis figured it should be time to get her ass up and reassess her life, but she kept squarely anchored to her spot. Perhaps she was more sapped of her zest than she’d thought.

The reluctance to do anything at all was intense, even more so than her desire to become one with the ostrich and bury her head into the safety of the sand.

Lapis just bit her lip and prayed that whoever was coming over would ignore her pitiful self. With her luck, she heard the pads of someone’s feet gently kick up sand as they walked her way.  
“Hey, are you okay?”

Lapis could have growled if she hadn’t bitten her tongue.

“Yes.” She stated simply, muffled in her crouched pose.

“You sure? You sorta don’t seem like it.” The guy didn’t let up.

Lapis tensed and slowly lifted her head. The dude was young-ish and to her surprise alone, except for a girl a ways down the shore, who was setting up with a book. The swimmer could feel her cheeks ache from her deep frown and it couldn’t have been pretty.

“I’m just enjoying the beach, guy. Lovely morning.”

He smiled at her, bright and wide. “It sure is. Watching the sunrise is the best way to start the day.”

Lapis squinted at him and looked out to the water, glistening sharply with the reflection of the sun now hanging lazily a ways up from the edge of the sky. “I think you’re a little late for that.”

“Yeah,” the boy laughed and brought a hand to the back of his neck. “My girlfriend and I both forgot to set our alarms, but we still couldn’t miss enjoying the morning.”

Lapis just stared up at him. He sat himself down and offered his hand.

“I’m Steven. I’m a freshman, I come out here almost every morning.”

The blue-haired girl took it slowly and silently vowed to buy a private beach if she ever got rich. “I’m Lapis. Lapis Lazuli.”

“It’s nice to know you, Lapis.” He hadn’t stopped smiling and Lapis might’ve found it creepy had it not been so pleasantly genuine. Steven stretched out his legs and leaned back, relaxed and at home.

“So what brings you to the beach so early? Usually Connie and I are the only ones.”

“Oh, uh,” Lapis blinked and looked out to the water, “I just couldn’t sleep. Thought being near the water might be nice.”

“Wow, have you been here all night?”

Agitation stirred in Lapis’ ribs at the boy’s inquisitiveness. “No. A few hours is all.”

Steven pointed to her sleep shorts, covered with fine sand. “Aren’t you cold in those?”

Lapis huffed and craned her neck back. “No, guy, I’m perfectly warm and toasty. What’s it matter to you anyway?”

“I’ve seen you around class before,” the boy sipped cautiously from his thermos, “we’re in biology together, I think. I recognized you from the international aid study.”

Lapis quirked a brow and looked him in the eye, “how would you know?” The program wasn’t community-oriented among the students by any means. She had no idea who else was in it, besides Peridot.

Peridot. Oh shit, _Peridot._

“My mom runs the program, Mrs. Quartz. I hang out with her in her office sometimes and I saw your … hey, are you okay there?”

Lapis buried her face in her palms as memories of her hostile departure spilled into recollection. “Ahhh, shoot.” She groaned.

“Did I say something bad?” Steven looked worried.

Lapis’ hands dragged slowly down her face. “No, I did something stupid.” She raked her hands through her hair and looked out at the ocean. Guilt swelled up like the black and purple welt of a sprained ankle. “I did something really, really dumb.”

To Lapis’ relief the boy didn’t seem interested in pressing for specifics. “Well, everyone makes mistakes. It’s never impossible to come back from something.”

Her stomach twisted in a cat’s cradle thinking of Peridot’s pained expression. “I just think I hurt someone who didn’t deserve to get hurt,” Lapis sighed and folded her arms on top of her kneecaps. “I mean, I didn’t mean to do it, but it still happened ‘cause I can’t control my damned mouth.”

“It’s okay. That happens to the best of us sometimes.” Steven idly drew in the sand with his finger. “The key is that you didn’t mean to hurt them, and that you’re not a bad person.”

Lapis eyed him, feeling defensive. “How do you think you know what kind of person I am? We just met.”

Steven brought up his hands. “‘Cause you feel bad. If you really wanted to hurt ‘em, you wouldn’t be up all night fretting.”

“I wasn’t up all night,” Lapis crossed her arms tight.

The boy just laughed softly. “The point is, whatever happened isn’t the end of the world. You obviously care about them a lot, right?”

That shook up her path of thought. Something warm and alarming tingled in the back of her neck. “I mean… yeah, sure.”

A rough breeze blew in from the sparkling seascape and stirred up their hair, and ruffled up the boy’s jacket. Lapis thought of Peridot for a few moments. The small, diligent girl she’d just come to know. The oboe-playing girl with no left ankle. Her roomate with the greenest green, green eyes. Peridot, who wanted to help, like this dude who just walked right up to her wanting to listen.

Lapis sighed again and looked to the boy with furrowed brows. “So you’re trying to say that this person will, just, be cool with all of this because I care about them? They don’t even know that.”

“Well, not necessarily,” Steven shrugged, “you would apologize first off of course.”

“Of course,” Lapis repeated with a little bite.

“If you’re sincere, they can either forgive you or decide not to. But you’re looking pretty torn up, Lapis,” his voice lifted with concern, “so I’d bet they’ll see you’re an especially sincere person.”

Lapis felt like there was a football was lodged in her throat. Her tongue felt dry and she began to feel self-conscious of how readily she’d opened up to someone.

“That’s all pretty bold to claim so surely, buddy.” She bubbled with defiance that she knew was more irrational than anything but couldn’t stop herself.

Steven crossed an arm across his body and still looked worried. “Sorry if I’m coming off as presumptuous. I just know a bit about this stuff from a friend of mine.”

“Why’d you want to hand out unsolicited advice to someone like me anyway?”

“‘Cause we’re sharing the sunrise together, I suppose.” Steven held open his arms and gestured at the sky above the choppy water. “We’re beach sunrise buddies. It felt wrong to ignore you when you looked so down.”

Lapis shook her head and chuckled dryly. “I wasn’t looking that bad, was I?”

The boy closed one eye and framed Lapis’ face with his finger and thumb like he was taking a snapshot. “If I had to put ‘sullen’ in the dictionary…”

“Watch it, pal,” Lapis shoved him hard on his shoulder.

Steven laughed, easy and full, and lifted himself off the sand. “I’m sure everything will turn out just fine. Hey, let me introduce you to Connie.”

Lapis took his extended sand and sat up, brushing herself off and hugging her arms over her torso. “Yeah, okay,” she smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a shorter Lapis-centric chapter with good old Steven. I wanted to get a chapter out before the month ended and I ended up having to cut the initial chapter up into this one and the next one.  
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hiding from the rain, you shook my cage_   
>  _A tyrant laying siege upon my home_   
>  _Like the tantrums of a childish heart_   
>  _The water tore the trees apart_   
>  _And washed away the ground from the hills_

    With concrete feet and quickened pulse the blue-haired girl stood outside the door to her room.

    The activity on campus was was alive as students made their way to and from morning classes or breakfast or maybe both. Lapis could only imagine the stares she drew as she’d trudged along the winding sidewalk paths, bare feet and limbs exposed in the brisk weather; she’d kept her eyes cast downward and hands hugged around her middle, lacking a knife to grip or pockets to house them.

    Now affronted with her destination, the emotion gripping at her chest very much resembled the way she’d felt in that very spot over a month ago, confronting the prospect of entering her dorm for the first time. An awful gray taste soured her mouth and Lapis felt lead in the marrow of her bones.

    Steven and his girlfriend, Connie (an awful nice girl, smart and modest), had profusely assured Lapis that speaking to her roommate again was nothing to sweat. Like ripping off a bandaid, he’d called it. They’d also both been markedly impressed by how afflicted Lapis was over the situation, like that made all the difference.

    The Brazilian girl was sure that wasn’t so. Their comments about her “compassion” dug at her in an irritably defensive way. Regardless, Lapis appreciated their earnest support; they proved to be easy and surprisingly comfortable company, chatting on the beach til the sun had risen so much so that it stayed only in one’s periphery unless they lifted up their chin. She’d even given them her number before they encouraged her to set off.

    “Shit,” Lapis whispered aloud, realizing that grabbing her key hadn’t been a priority when she’d stormed away. Standing there, dumbly as she often did, with the gross hallway carpet festering beneath her toes and a conglomerate of anxieties surging down her neck, Lapis found that her options were limited.

    The bandaid still stood forebodingly before her. Lapis figured she had nothing left to lose trying to rip it off in spite of it all, and rapped softly against the door.

    She was met with silence. Holding her breath and balling her fists tight she knocked gently again, pressing her ear to the door as inconspicuous as possible. Nothing stirred inside.

    Summoning conviction from someplace deep, Lapis tried the handle, and was startled when it easily gave way. She stood frozen for a few bated moments and made her way inside, quickly confirming the absence of her roommate.

    Lapis exhaled and an avalanche of tension fell from her lungs. She’d wound herself up for no good reason. Of course Peridot would be at class - and the girl was gracious enough to leave the room unlocked for her, likely realizing Lapis had forgotten her key amidst her tantrum. Knowing she had more time to mentally prepare for their meeting put the swimmer’s scrambled mind at some ease.

    “Yeesh,” Lapis exclaimed to the empty dorm and started for her bed. Her limbs, weary and still unaccustomed to such chilly air, had been screaming to slip under the solace of her comforter for quite a while.

    Before she could commence a graceless belly-flop onto the mattress, Lapis noticed a square-folded piece of paper resting expectantly on the edge of her pillow.

Lapis’ heart began to gallop and she picked up the note with delicacy, rushing to sit cross-legged on the bed. Her name was written on the front in distinct blockish penmanship, and the paper’s neat folds were incredibly precise. It was very much the work of Peridot.

    Waves of apprehension and fear and excitement and plenty other fretful emotions coarsed vividly under Lapis’ skull. Hurriedly, she opened the paper.

 

    _Lapis_

_I profusely apologize for the events that transpired last night. My reaction to your condition was inappropriate, insensitive, and inconsiderate given your alarmed state of being, of which I should have taken more care to recognize._

_I hope that you are alright. I hope that my mistake does not damage our rapport, but I understand if you would like for me to keep distance as consequence of my neglect of caution. I’ll be returning at approximately 2000 this evening, this is a “heads up” of my arrival in the event you’d prefer more time to be alone._

_Again I am very sorry for my irrationality. I hope that you were able to return safely._

_Peridot_

 

    Lapis stared fixedly at the letter and gripped it tightly, cringing at the ugly wrinkles that sprouted beneath her fingers. How low must this girl think of herself to have such an apologetic mindset? To assume blame in places where she had no right to be anything but justifiably upset?

    Lapis wanted to shout or get up and pace around but opted for burying her head in her palms. The guilt that had toiled and stirred for hours now fizzled and simmered as though placed atop a stove.

    “I’m just going to hold her down and apologize ‘til she has no choice but to accept it,” Lapis declared, pinching the bridge of her nose. The innocuous mention of pinning down her roomate made something flip inside her abdomen and she ran her hands roughly through her hair, feeling embarrassed. She sat up straight and chewed on her lip, resolving to straighten out the v6 motor revving maniacally in her head.

    The trek to and from the beach in dusk-laden hours left Lapis staving off a chill that had permeated into her core. Unable to shake a burdening sense of uneasiness, she donned a hoodie and sweatpants and rested against the headboard with her covers pulled to her waist. Relaxedness eased gently into her body and threatened to overtake her exhaustion but the swimmer bitterly suppressed the warm feelings, feeling discontented with herself.

    A glance at their alarm clock told that it was almost eleven, about an hour until her first class of the day. But Lapis felt there was a seriously considerable chance she might cry if she had to get out of that bed again.

    “Seems like as good a day as any to skip class,” Lapis announced to herself and stretched, crossing her hands behind her head. Scanning about her surroundings for things to occupy herself with did not yield much; books seemed too daunting of a mental task and schoolwork fell under the same excuse. So she thought of Peridot.

    The letter, unintentional stiffness and all, made Lapis’ heart grow a little fond, regardless of her attempt to put those kinds of feelings in her mind’s ‘save for indefinitely later’ repository. Handwritten letters were in the utmost tier of sincere gestures, she knew. How come more people didn’t write letters nowdays?

    At the very least, Peridot wasn’t mad at her. That possibility had toiled in Lapis’ mind as she’d grappled to locate her mental footholds while pouring her heart out to Steven. Peridot really had every right to be miffed about her roommate blowing up on her and leaving her high and dry like a moody teenager. But she wasn’t mad. She was so sweet, how could she be? Though they’d only known each other for a month, a day didn’t pass where Lapis didn’t in some way acknowledge her good fortune in being placed with a roommate like Peridot, though initially just for her quiet and unimposing nature. Casting away the reluctance to admit it to herself, the times in their dorm were really very comfortable and easygoing and pleasant all around - up until now at least.

    Lapis harbored no complaints but did not dare let the fondness of her thoughts creep any further than that; only trouble came with those sorts of thoughts. Their rapport as roommates was the prime and sole reason she was so concerned with how Peridot was affected by her outburst. Surely nothing more.

    Besides, Peridot was definitely, for all intents and purposes, a major square. A successful and ambitious square nonetheless, probably too focused with her academics to even think about the ridiculous sorts of things that lingered on the edges of Lapis’ mind every now and then. Lapis could only guess but figured someone like herself wouldn’t be all too romantically compatible with a square anyway. Peridot might not even like girls.

    A twinge of something sharp ran through her chest and Lapis shivered.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby chapter. More to come soon, I promise.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _half empty, half full_   
>  _cup runneth over_   
>  _arms a'plenty, coffers full_   
>  _we're starting over_

Lapis was ripped from a dreamless sleep at the sharp jiggle of a turning door handle. Peridot peeked her head into the dorm from behind the door and creeped inside on her tiptoes.

“Peridot,” Lapis attempted to say but a collection of drool threatened to spill over her lip. Quickly and as casually as one can muster she wiped a forearm across her mouth, making a glaringly unattractive slurping sound. 

“Oh. Lapis,” Peridot stood frozen just beyond the doorway with all of her bags. Her expression was enigmatic and unreadable. 

Thrust with sleepy, syrupy adrenaline in a moment’s notice, Lapis could hardly grant herself the opportunity to gain composure.

“Listen, Peridot, hey,” Lapis wanted to be out of bed for the ensuing discussion and lifted off her covers. “We ought to talk about last night.”

Peridot’s cheeks were pink and she shifted her weight between her legs. “Yes, that’s a good idea,” she spoke in a hush and made her way to her desk chair. Lapis stole a glance at their clock; it was already eight thirty. She cursed herself.

“Well, I, uh- got your note.” Lapis started, “Now listen, really, nothing is your fault.”

Peridot was prepared to rebuke. “Lapis, it is my fault for not leaving you be. I wasn’t considerate.”

“Gah, no, that’s not it,” Lapis raised her arms with exasperation and searched Peridot’s face, apologetic and submissive with a whisper of a grimace.

“I’ve been having these ... really stupid nightmares. A lot, recently. I suppose my body gets all freaked out when I come to.” Lapis felt moronic hearing her explanation pour from her dry mouth but could see Peridot still on the brink of objecting. 

“I wasn’t thinking when I said those things to you. I can’t confidently say I was aware of anything that happened until after I’d gone. This is all a ridiculously horrible excuse on my part but you didn’t do a thing wrong last night.”

Peridot wrung her hands and looked around the room, with creases in her brow that Lapis wanted to smoothe over.

“I’m sorry to hear about your nightmares,” Peridot looked at Lapis’ feet, “but it would have been proper of me to have let you alone. It’s not right to get into your personal space like that.”

Lapis felt her heart grow a little heavier. 

God.

“Hey, Peridot, look at me.” She spoke delicately and with intent. Lapis could feel the inklings of a shiver when green eyes flicked up timidly to her own. They were very pleasant.

“I - appreciate you trying to see if I was okay. I don’t want you to feel like you’re to blame for my shitty behavior.”

Peridot looked like she was cooking under her skin. “You’ve never done anything shitty.”

“It really was shitty of me.”

“It’s - no, no, it’s totally understandable.”

Oh, how she just wanted to shake some sense into this girl.

Lapis fixed her eyes onto Peridot’s lips and felt a weight pressing hard against her breastbone. “I’m sorry for saying those things to you, Peridot. I didn’t mean them, I have no idea where they even came from. Not from anywhere in my right mind.”

Peridot’s eyes glistened and she matched Lapis’ subdued tone, “Don’t worry about it. I just don’t want there to be anything strained between us. But, truly,” she added, a somber look still playing in her eyes, “I don’t blame you at all.”

Lapis blew hot air from her nose and rested her cheek in her palm. “You really are stubborn, aren’t you?”

Peridot half-laughed, in the way that she does, and looked away again. A brief but imposing pause lingered between them. Lapis crossed her legs on the bed and bit her cheek, feeling unsure. 

Peridot inhaled deeply. “I’m glad I didn’t upset you as much as I thought I did. It has been eating me up all day.”

Lapis choked out a laugh. “Yeah, same here.” She decided not to elaborate further.

“I appreciate you as my roommate.” Peridot spoke a little softer and looked to the foot of the bed. “I’d hate to start a rift between you and me. Especially so early on.”

Lapis swallowed in vain of the tightness in her throat and her brain began to fritz. If there was a rift of any sort created between her and this girl, she wanted to mend it. To rebuild a bridge, or fortify one that already stood. She wanted to mend this potential gap more than she’d ever wanted to invest in any other relationship she’d nurtured throughout her dismal twenty years of existence. A resolve burned clear as a harvest moon in her flurried thoughts.

Abruptly, Lapis stood. Peridot was motionless as the blue-haired girl took a few tentative steps forward. 

“Hey,” Lapis offered, hearing the rush of blood in her ears, “do you wanna hug it out?”

Peridot looked up at her for a beat and rose to her feet. “Yeah. Yes.”

The two walked into each other with delicate steps and met in a polite embrace. Lapis shut her eyes and bent down a tad to wrap her arms under Peridot’s shoulders, resting her chin past the crook of the other girl’s neck; Peridot looped around Lapis’ midsection and pressed her cheek into her shoulder.

The first thing Lapis noticed was that Peridot smelled like pine trees. Flush against her, close for the first time, she smelled like traces of rich pine carried in a blustering wind that had traveled through mountainous evergreens, and for some moments that was all Lapis could think about. Peridot was also quite short, more so than she’d realized from a distance. And her arms were very, alarmingly comfortable. 

When she became acutely aware of the movement of Peridot’s ribcage against her stomach, Lapis retreated. Peridot took a step back and wore a shy smile. She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and Lapis resisted the urge to follow suit and cram her own hands into her pouch at risk of seeming like a copycat.

The air felt sweet, lifted to a higher altitude and imbued with fresher energy. 

“So,” Peridot started, rocking back on her heels, “are we okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.” Lapis nodded to drive home the point.

Peridot smiled, as though weights of apprehension or guilt were lifted away from the corners of her mouth. Lapis herself felt a wash of relief ease the painful tension in her shoulders. Thank the stars this exhaustive little incident was resolved for the better, and it ought not to drag on longer than necessary. 

“Well, it’s been a pretty long day,” Lapis remarked, ushering some alternate discussion. “What have you been up to, out and about?”

Peridot fell into her desk chair, assuming a relaxed posture. “I’ve just been in the machine shop outlining the parts we’ll need for our robot.”

“You’re making a robot?”

Peridot smiled, “uh huh, for our robotics club. Each year every team has to design and  
build a unique robot to execute a certain given objective. Like,” she grabbed her elbow and moved her forearm to imitate a catapult or something or other, “throwing a ball into a hoop or maneuvering across a particular texture, for example.”

Lapis pursed her lips. “Sounds like nerd heaven. Pretty cool.”

“Well, robots are the future, you know,” Peridot crossed her arms, “and we’re riding the frontier.”

“Right. You’ll accomplish great things, you robot connoisseur.” 

Peridot wiggled in her seat a little. “Aw, shucks. We’ll see how it goes.”

It was sort endearing when she got all bashful, Lapis couldn’t help but muse. It was cute the way she- 

No. Knock it off.

She was gearing up to ask about her recent oboe-playing ventures when Lapis’s thought locomotive was interrupted. 

“What about you? Where did you, uh, end up going last night?” Peridot inquired, innocently enough.

“Oh,” Lapis was prepared to lie, but figured there’d be no point. It was much easier to be transparent with Peridot than with anyone else. “I took a walk to the beach to watch the sun come up. And before you ask, no, I wasn’t cold.”

Peridot nodded and understood. “Gotcha,” she rested her head against her hand, “I’m glad you’re safe.”

Lapis felt vibrations flutter underneath her ribs “Thanks. Now don’t get all sentimental with me.”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m not the type.”

Lapis smirked, knowing already that wasn’t entirely true. “Good, ‘cause you’ll come to find there’s only so much of that I can handle in a week.”

Peridot waved her hand. “Got it. I won’t burden you with my excessive emotional tenderness.”

They both laughed and it felt perfectly in place. Still, Lapis felt restless, trying not to fidget on the edge of her bed.

“Alright, Peridot, I’m starving. I’m going to grab some chow before they close,” Lapis stretched languidly and moved to grab her key.

“Oh! Actually, uh,” Peridot stood tentatively, ”would you mind if I tagged along? I’m supposed to be heading down there soon to meet with someone.”

Lapis studied her keys and tried to feign indifference. “Totally.”

“Awesome, she’s on her way to walk us down,” Peridot tapped at her phone.

Lapis bit her lip to keep from frowning. Her social stamina felt entirely exhausted, but walking with Peridot ought to make up for it. She tossed the blonde a thumbs up, which was hesitantly returned, and the two waited outside their dorm. 

A minute or so passed when a tall girl turned the corner down the hall. That must be the friend, seeing the two exchange a little wave and share a greeting when she approached.

Peridot introduced Lapis to the girl, lithe and studious in the face with a strawberry blonde pixie. “This is Pearl, we’re working on a robotics assignment together.” 

“Hello, Lapis,” Pearl gave her an affable smile and offered her petite hand, “I’ve heard Peridot mention you before.” 

Lapis raised her eyebrows, “Oh, is that right?”

Peridot laughed drily and started down the hall, “just in passing, geez.”

They weaved their way along the dim winding sidewalks and shouldered through the late dinner crowd. It was clear the two were very preoccupied as they quipped over some contentious robot issue, paying little mind to Lapis.

“Well, setting the motor speed to anything less than 255 in data command induces this automatic shutoff,” Pearl had opened some chart or diagram wrinkled with folds as they walked, “so obviously we need to either swap the 12 volt external supply for fewer amps or rewrite that ghastly Python setup.”

Peridot pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned, which grabbed Lapis’ attention. “No, look, you forget we’re using this complex controller. It’s nothing to do with the code. We need to check the jumpers and reconfigure our user case, we haven't done that yet.”

The two rambled off their nerd jargon, working each other up, and Lapis grew surprised at the tone Peridot took with the other girl. 

Pearl clicked her tongue, “For heaven’s sake, I told you from the start that our chassis wouldn’t end up agreeing with the way this controller wants to work. Their interfaces don’t even line up, we’ve had to manually debug it twice already.”

“No, see? That’s not the problem, see here?” Peridot forcefully pointed to the paper, “if you’d just look and stop fretting over the damn TReX, all the serial commands are there, it’s not a problem with the interface.”

Lapis scuffed her sneakers and idled along, finding the ground particularly interesting.

They reached the opening to the mess, and Peridot moved over to stand beside Lapis. They looked at each other for a moment, something new and colorful resonating between them. 

“Alright, I hope you two get that motor problem sorted out. It sounds like quite the pickle.” Lapis joked and crossed her arms tight.

Peridot rubbed the back of her neck and flashed another bright smile. “Thanks. You’ll be the first to hear of any updates.”

That lifted Lapis’ spirits more than it had any business doing.

The trio parted and Lapis beelined for the vending machine outside the double doors. The day’s adventures resulted in a considerably low appetite, to her own surprise. The cheap off-brand protein bars they had would be more plenty to tide her over.

Slipping in her cash and sluggishly pressing the chipped selection buttons, Lapis thought of their little walk from the dorms to the mess. That was the first time she’d heard Peridot raise her voice like that, let alone let any assertiveness break her surface. It was almost jarring, in such contrast to the way Peridot treated her. 

Lapis grabbed her dinner and looked at the ground as her body flared with heat. Peridot really took special care to tread carefully with Lapis. And Lapis in particular.

She raced back to the dorm with her hands at her sides and buried herself into her comforter, adamant to end the day without any more sudden excitements or developments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love conflict resolution!


End file.
